she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
