i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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