Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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