Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
