So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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