Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Randomize
