This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
