does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
