went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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