Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
