You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
