a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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