You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My bed smells like the plague
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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