Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
