Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
