dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You left your phone here
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