No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
