trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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