Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
