I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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