I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
