toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
