So drunk its hurt
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
