im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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