Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I am available for nakedness
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
