Screwed.edu
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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