I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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