im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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