This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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