I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
