Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
