I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
