Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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