dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
