She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
