yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
