I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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