You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
