chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I did not marry a roomba.
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