I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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