i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
