Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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