My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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