how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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