Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
