So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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