I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
