just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
