I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
