I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize