I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
