Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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