At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
