hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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