bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
