matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
